This summer has brought a huge life change for me; a change that has been difficult, emotional, scary, educational, and eye opening. At the beginning of this summer, I found out that I was pregnant.
When I found out about my pregnancy, I had a very hard decision to make that I spent a lot of time, energy, and emotions on in order to make the best decision for myself. The decision to continue or to end the pregnancy was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. I am thankful, one, for my family and close friends who were extremely supportive towards whatever decision I was to make. This decision making process could have been A TON harder had it not been for people listening to my fears and desires for my future, and for that I am so grateful. I also am thankful that I live in a country that gives me the right to make that choice as well as provides me with (somewhat) equal ability and resources to make a decision that life changing. (Progress still is to be made!)
After I made the decision to continue my pregnancy, I was, and to be honest, some days still am, very ashamed of what my life looks and will look like. However, I understand that life as I have known it is no longer about just me, and I thought of what it would look like to look back and feel that my mom was ashamed of her decisions which resulted with me, and I feel that I can no longer live being dragged down by the shame of my past decisions. I wanted to post this because I no longer feel that it is something I should hide or feel guilty about. I have also come around to really be ready to love and care for this new alien.
I understand that I will be doing this parent life, which will include a lot of Kraft Mac-N-Cheese, popsicles, and guidance from Lorelai Gilmore (because that is all I know at the moment, kidding!), by myself as a college grad student living off a pretty non-existent income with a professional volleyball player sized savings (LOL), but I have the support of my family and friends, as well as the faith that my hard work and trust in this new life path will end up being a silver lining. I am totally scared most days and completely unaware of what the future holds for me and this new addition (plus bonus hormones!), but I know that I will do my best to raise the most bad ass and most loved kid out there (while finishing grad school and staying half sane… I might write a book).
I know this pregnancy was not a part of my plan that I had for this time in my life, but I have embraced this life change to make sure that this kid knows he/she never was and never will be unwanted. Although I have been doing this alone, because of my family and close friends – I have never really felt completely alone, and for that I am so indescribably grateful. All of the calls, texts, pregnant lady jokes, sending me pizza, and just being there to listen means so much. Also, thanks to my sister Taylor, who lives with me and is ALWAYS there (whether she wants to be or not ha!), and who doctors constantly confuse as my husband (not because of her looks but because of our shared last name). If you have any questions or want to know the truth of what happens to you after 4 months of being pregnant (like what a day without 3+ cups of coffee is like), please feel free to reach out!