What They Don’t Tell You About Growing Another Human

As I am typing this blog, I am going through the evolution of Zara via ultrasound pictures. I remember when I went in for the first one and was pretty unimpressed by the tiny dot she was, and now – she flexes for the camera: coolest kid around. I have said many times before that I never wanted kids because they are just tiny banshees destroying everything in their path, but I totally feel like a mom when I think to myself that maybe my kid will be the first non-banshee kid I meet (she won’t cry, scream in stores, write on my walls, etc.) Many women (and men) have told me about the joy the miracle of life brings you, and at times, I wonder how close to the present they mean when they tell me this, because there are many side effects that these people forgot to mention. I will warn you of these main side effects in case you ever plan on having kids and people tell you it’s the greatest thing since sliced bread without telling you that one day you won’t be able to reach your feet to put your shoes on.

  1. Hormones. Are. Fucking. Real. This is not made up. You will cry all the time and half the time you will not even know why. I have had a rough month, but one particularly bad day I am crying in my bed, texting a friend, Ally, who knows me so well. I am sitting there crying and texting and crying and I get really hungry. I stop crying and text her: “what should I eat for dinner?” (We sometimes do this because we have similar taste buds and we rarely have gotten this answer wrong when responding) She responds “pizza and wings” and I just start crying again because I know she is so damn right. It was beautiful. This is what you have to look forward to, a shit ton of crying.
  1. You pee all the time. What I don’t understand is that as a pregnant person you are required to drink more water because you have to hydrate a lot (there are many reasons for this, some more gross than others). Personally, I get really bad headaches if I don’t drink enough water. So, you have to drink all of this water, but something is pushing on your bladder. I pee maybe 4-5 times before I even fall asleep once I have gotten into bed. I don’t even tell my roommate goodnight anymore, because chances are, I am coming back out in 10 minutes.
  1. Big Boobs. People have said, “Oh, your boobs are so big now! I bet this is exactly what you have always dreamed about!” False. I did dream about having big boobs, but in those dreams I did not have back pain because they are so heavy, and also they fit perfectly in my bra; they did not ooze out of the sides of it.
  1. (Married people, ignore this one) Many of my friends have told me how lucky I am that I get to eat for two. This is true, I do get to eat more, but you know what I don’t have: a husband, let alone a significant other. When you are married and pregnant, your husband has to love you and feed you and reassure you that he will love you even if you get so big and round you can’t see your toes. Well, that is not the case for me. After this kid exits my body, I will have to enter back into the dating scene, so eating for two is not as freeing as it sounds.
  1. There are others that you get warned about like varicose veins, constipation, itchy skin, HORMONAL ACNE, insomnia, and many more!

Although it now might seem like a great idea not to reproduce, there is one side effect that has been something I never would have experienced or even thought was cool: baby kicks. When that kid kicks, it’s like we are on the same freaking page. Boring lecture? Zara kicks – I feel like it means, “I’m bored, let’s bounce!” Good food? I’m hoping that’s Zara reassuring me to continue to shovel donuts into my belly. Person says something you disagree with in the upcoming election? Zara knows what’s (not) good. It is the morning? Zara even kicks me to let me know she’s up and swimming around inside my potbelly.  It really is the coolest thing I would have probably never experienced, and I am not one to talk about kids being cool.

I am actually getting excited mainly because it’s no longer 90+ degrees outside so I am not THAT sweaty pregnant lady. I have a feeling Zara might end up being a billion times cooler than me, but I am 110% O.K. with that.

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