The Roe V. Wade opinion has been all over my social media feed and I am sure it has been all over yours. I find that when I am thinking about issues, whether they be political, religious, sexuality-related, race-related, what have you, talking with someone who I know, who is going through that or has been directly impacted by it really opens my eyes to how narrow I have been looking at something. If you are pro-life, welcome – I am sure I will say things that you don’t necessarily agree with. If you are pro-choice, welcome and you too will likely read something that isn’t your vibe either. (That was a really crappy way to say, please read on!)
First note – this isn’t to change your mind on anything. It has lots of personal information in here about an unplanned pregnancy and what that looks like – it’s more of a recount of an experience that is impacted by Roe v. Wade. As a Christian woman, it is my account of how an unplanned pregnancy opened my eyes to how the policies surrounding women in this country and unplanned pregnancy, especially when you do choose life, are really backward in places.
I was a fresh 23. Living my 20’s best life – beer specials, grad school, and cheap pizza. I started to notice that I hadn’t gotten my period in a while, so Memorial Day weekend of 2016, I finally got the courage to take a pregnancy test. It was negative, so I figured sports and birth control were messing with my regularity. It was a 2 pack, so I took the second one days later so it didn’t go to waste (where was my logic there?? ha!). Walked back into the bathroom and saw a plus sign. Pregnant. At 23?!?! With no job or income?!? In the middle of my grad program?!?
The person I got pregnant with came over, we talked about it, and decided neither of us could handle it. I looked up an abortion clinic, we would split the cost ($150 each) and move on. I talked with my parents (both pro-life), and you could tell they were emotional over the decision I was making, but never shamed me. Instead of telling me why they thought I was wrong, they got curious. They asked me why I was leaning towards the decision to abort the fetus who is now Zara.
1- Financial reasons. I didn’t have a job because I was in school. Their response: we will financially help support you, find second hand things, help me apply for WIC (a government funded program to help lower income moms have access to free diapers, baby food, food to fuel the mom).
2 – Grad school reasons. I didn’t want to sacrifice grad school, doing what I loved and was passionate about because I had to raise a kid. And I had 1.5 years left. Their response: They would figure out how to take shifts and come down to watch Zara while I finished grad school, and find babysitters from family and church who could watch Zara for a cheaper price.
They never told me they would love me less if I chose abortion, but they let me know, if these were the issues and I decided to keep the baby, they would be there, as well as a ton of others who cared, to step in and support.
Full stop right here: what a privilege I had at that moment. How many people who get pregnant unexpectedly have parents or church support or easy access to WIC or friends or community that are willing and able to help financially, give diapers, food, baby clothes, cribs, swings for free, or who help emotionally with the stress of having a baby when it wasn’t in the plan or on the right timeline? I am not in the majority with the level of support I had.
Side love note to my parents: when I think of pro-life, I think of both of you. It has transformed the actual political definition of pro-life to you two, fully living out what it means to provide womb to tomb love and support. I think wow, this is a glimpse of how it should look. I think of what you gave financially (and continue to give to others – not just for your own daughters), I think of how you stepped in as second parents and made sure she always felt love when I had run out of steam, while having your own lives and jobs and stressors.
So, I didn’t end up going to my appointment at the abortion clinic. I told the person who is the biological father of Zara, and he invited me over to his parents’ house so they could talk to me about my decision. Lots of things were said at that meeting, but one that sticks out in my mind is one that highlights a big issue in Roe v. Wade being overturned.
“You know, if you ask for Child Support from our son, it doesn’t start until after the birth, when you can legally prove he is the father.”
Seriously unequal financial hardship on the woman. This is one of many places policies are really burdensome on the woman of the couple who has an unplanned pregnancy and decides to keep it. Essentially what this means is that the father of the child does not have to pay for the OBGYN appointments or actual birth costs, which is a HUGE part (if not the hugest part) of having a baby. It was a $40 co-pay for me (because I had health insurance, another privilege here) each time I went to the OBGYN. The birth ended up being about $3,500, which without a job really makes it difficult to pay on my own. But, because of the policy in place, the father of the child does not have to start paying until AFTER all of this.
So, when I think about those who are pro-life, asking for abortions to be illegal for all, do they fully grasp that policies like this impact the mother significantly more than the father? Are we really pro-woman and pro-baby here?
I think about scenarios where: my parents aren’t able to help support me financially, where I don’t have health insurance (because we have a political party that is against abortions while still also against everyone having access to affordable health insurance). For people who choose to be pro-life, you are telling this woman to choose yes to having the baby both her AND someone else made, but expect HER alone to start out in medical debt, financially unable to pay for the baby, that we are now thinking about making illegal not to have? There isn’t a whole lot of logic there, in my opinion. As a Christian, there isn’t a whole lot of compassion there either.
Let’s talk Child Support. I didn’t deal with Child Support because I agreed not to ask for it (another privilege I had – to be able to do it without his financial support – a luxury most moms/partners in this situation cannot afford). But, let’s say the father of my child is not paying his portion and I need legal intervention to help get this money monthly. I have to take him to court. That costs money – in some cases I have heard about, it costs more money to actually TAKE the guy to court than the actual Child Support money that he hasn’t been paying. Where is the incentive to hold partners (mostly men in these situations) who pay child support accountable? Why would they even pay if they know the one needing support can’t afford to go to court? And do you know how long the legal process takes? The one raising the child can’t afford to wait for this money necessary for raising their child.
There are other stipulations that I will briefly touch on, like if Zara’s biological father hadn’t terminated his parental rights, he could have legally prevented me from moving states with Zara. What if I got a job in Texas and had to move in order to make money to pay for my daughter? What if I was in an abusive relationship and I needed to move in with my family in another state? Also, in order for Kwam to be able to adopt Zara (a child he cared for since she was 13 months old), I had to get permission from Zara’s biological father who never met nor sent any financial support for this kid. What if he had said no to the adoption?
Lastly, I think of the welfare scenario. Another privilege I had was having a double Masters degree, which means likely my first job is salaried. If someone doesn’t have a salaried job, but an hourly one, let’s do some math. The average cost of daycare in Atlanta is $711 per month (which is actually lower than a LOT of other states). The average rent in Atlanta is $1,812 per month. That together is $2,523 a month just for daycare and rent. If I work 40 hours a week at $15 an hour, this ends up to be $2,400 a month pre tax. Where is the incentive for single parents to work if it is cheaper to watch their kid at home with no job, so they have the ability to receive welfare checks? I have heard the term “lazy” thrown around one too many times (by pro-life conservatives!) for those on welfare. I have heard the argument for not raising the minimum wage. I have seen candidates who advocate for lower cost daycare be deemed “too liberal.” But, to me, the idea of lower cost childcare, more accessible healthcare, a minimum wage that can meet the rate of inflation/cost of living increase for low income folks, feels more pro-life than liberal. Helping these women, parents, support these children we are asking them to keep. Caring for the life of their children outside of the womb the same way we do when they are inside.
To be honest, when I see Roe v. Wade reversing, thinking of all these scenarios I could have been in had it not been for the privilege of having huge support around me with whatever challenge came up – thinking of women who won’t have support and who have to make such a hard, heavy choice. It makes my stomach hurt, it makes me really sad.
It makes me think of all the policies I wish we could change first, before telling women to go through with an unplanned pregnancy while we as a nation also throw them little to no support net.
What I wish I saw were people who are on the pro-life side advocating for universal health care – making sure these parents who do choose life are able to focus on raising their baby instead of how they are going to pay their hospital bills years later. I wish I saw advocating for low cost daycare, more funding to schools, more funding to welfare programs that support women/parents through the times they need help raising their child(ren).
I just want you to picture yourself, a new mom with your baby, but WITHOUT the meal train, the ability to buy sleep training lessons, WITHOUT your spouse or family members to give you a break from all that a newborn entails, WITHOUT health insurance or the ability to afford childcare or a nanny. It sounds terrifying and exhausting. It makes me have empathy for someone who might be considering abortion. It shows me how overturning Roe v. Wade can actually be so hurtful and in turn not truly and fully promoting LIFE. Let’s focus our energies on policies that give the mom the safety net she needs so it doesn’t have to look desperate if you have an unplanned pregnancy.
Uncensored Motherhood 